Blind Date
by SamandMax
Summary: Snake goes on the popular TV show, Blind Date! Hilarity and Madcap Antics ensue


Blind Date  
Host: Hi, I'm some guy off the street, and you're watching Blind Date, the hit show where voyeuristic spy on people who are willing to do anything to be on TV. On tonight's episode, a beautiful, rich lawyer named Lisa goes on a date with a violent, ex-soldier named Snake.  
The Meeting  
Snake: Hi, I'm Snake.  
  
Lisa: Ahhhhhh! *Sprays mace in Snake's eyes*  
  
Snake: Dear god, that stings!  
  
Lisa: Oh, I thought you were a violent hobo. I guess you're my date.  
  
Snake: AAGGGGHHH, MY EYES!  
  
Lisa: You could at least greet me.  
  
Snake: Oh sorry, hi....AGGHHH, MY EYES!  
The Ride to the Restaurant  
Lisa: So, what do you do for a living?  
  
Snake: Kill people. And I enter dog sled races.  
  
Lisa: Oh...interesting. I'm a lawyer.  
  
Snake: Whoa, cool. I saw this one episode of Law and Order, where this lawyer had to defend Godzilla, because he was killing people. And then santa rode into the coutroom on a giant dragon, and set fire to Mario Lopez, who was the judge.  
  
Lisa: You're making this up to impress me, aren't you?  
  
Snake:...Yes.  
  
Lisa: I don't think you're going to impress me by making up fake Law and Order episodes.  
  
Snake: What about fake The Practice episodes?  
  
Lisa: No.  
  
Snake: Damn. I had this good fake one where Camryn Manheim ate a whale and died.  
The Restaurant  
Snake: So, what are you getting?  
  
Lisa: The steak.  
  
Snake: Oh shut up, I can't afford that.   
  
Lisa: Ughhh...so what can you afford?  
  
Snake: Well, you can get a napkin with some ketchup on it. And maybe a spoon, but that's getting a bit pricey.  
  
Lisa: What about a glass of water? Can you afford a freakin' glass of water?  
  
Snake: No.  
Driving to the Movie Theatre  
Lisa: So...Have you been married before?  
  
Snake: Once. To Jennifer Lopez. Actually three times to her. I was her 8th husband. And then she had another 9 husbands after me. And that's not counting the 380 boyfriends.  
  
Lisa: Wow, she's pretty famous.  
  
Snake: Yeah, I guess. But no one will ever know her horrifying secret.  
  
Lisa: What's that?  
  
Snake: She's really Chris Judd with a wig on.  
  
Lisa: That is horrifying.  
  
Snake: I know.  
  
Lisa: So what movie do you want to go see?  
  
Snake: How about "Dune Buggie Bandits". It stars Chuck Norris, Burt Reynolds, and Screech from Saved by the Bell. I heard it was great.  
  
Lisa: How about "Romantic teen drama where girl falls in love, and then dies #23". I heard it has a surprise ending, where the girl dies.  
  
Snake: I think I'd rather puke in a bucket than watch that.  
  
Lisa: I don't care, we're going to see it.  
  
Snake: Well, you asked for it. *Pukes in a bucket*  
  
Lisa: sigh This is the worst date I've ever been on. Well, 2nd worst. That one with Otacon was pretty bad. He told me to dress up like a robot, and dance for him.  
The Movie Theatre  
Lisa: I'll get a bucket of popcorn.  
  
Snake: No. Not enough cash.  
  
Lisa: Ok, I'll just get a napkin and chew on that.  
  
Snake: Yeah, get me one too.  
  
Lisa: I was joking.  
  
Snake: I wasn't.  
  
Lisa: *Sprays him with mace* Oops. I accidently pulled it out of my purse and sprayed you in the eyes.  
  
Snake: YEEARRGHH! IT FEELS LIKE THOUSANDS OF MACED KNIVES ARE STABBING ME IN THE EYES!   
  
Lisa: Let's go, the movie's starting.  
  
Snake: OOOOOOOO YEEARRRGGGG KKKKKKKK.  
Driving Back Home  
Snake: That movie sucked. We should've went to go see Dune Buggie Bandits.  
  
Lisa: sniff It was so sad the way that girl died at the end.  
  
Snake: Well, if it was real, I would've shot her. She would have been dead any way you looked at it.  
  
Lisa: Uhhh...yeah. I think I'll get out here.  
  
Snake: But you're house is 80 miles from here.  
  
Lisa: I'll walk. I could use the excersise.  
  
Snake: Can I come to?  
  
Lisa: No.   
  
Snake: Are you sure?  
  
Lisa: *Sprays him with mace* I'm sure.  
  
SNAKE: ARRRRRRHHHHHARRROOOOO! Ok, bye.  
Final Thoughts  
Host: Let's look what the two said about each other after the date was over.  
Snake: I'd definetely go out with her again. I mean, she was smoking. I would like to enter her law firm anyday.   
  
Lisa: I'd rather die a painful horrible death, go to hell for eternity, and then die a painful horrible death everyday in hell, then go out with him again.  
  
Snake: I think she'd say yes.  
  
Lisa: I feel dirty talking about him. I need a bath.  
  
Snake: Can I join you in this bath?  
  
Lisa: What are you doing here?  
  
Snake: I followed you home.  
  
Lisa: AHHHHHHH!  
  
Snake: What?  
  
Cop: Sir, put the weapon down.  
  
Snake: What weapon?  
  
Cop: PUT THE WEAPON DOWN!  
  
Snake: I don't have a weapon.  
  
Cop: *Sprays him with mace* I warned you, sir.  
  
Lisa: *Sprays him with mace* Yeah, I warned you too.  
  
Host: *Sprays him with mace* I didn't warn you, I just wanted to spray you with this stuff. 


End file.
